Alabama Tracks

Months of fretting, wishing, praying, and stress finally came to an end last Thursday. I gave my notice to my 2 bosses announcing that our plan was for me to be a stay at home mama.  

The whole idea of me staying at home has been one of great debate for the family for quite some time and yet I felt such a sense of loyalty that I needed to fulfill in order to release myself of it.  I will have completed 4 months of work when I finish my last day, which by the way will be June 29th.  Two major projects will have been completed, vacations and work trips are settling in so my time has come.

When it came time to do it, I had a small anxiety attack.  Sweating, shaking, tears, you name it.  I went in with other business to deal with and ended up handing my letter to him.  Surprised and yet more surprised that I even came back, he understood and hated to see me go. 

Becoming a mama was something that I never really thought would really happen.  I knew I wanted children, but I just couldn’t see myself with them, much less staying at home.  I love working.  I love who I am at work.  I love being a source for people to go to in order to get help.  I love what it adds to who I am as a person.  I never thought I would consider giving that up in order to stay at home with my children.  Daycare would be fine for me.   That was until I experienced it in all it’s glory.

The constant colds that come with daycare, having to wake her up in the morning because we have to head off to work, racing around in the evening to spend time with her, get dinner cooked, tubbie time, etc.  It all had to be done and there just isn’t enough time and enough of me to go around healithy.  And that is the key.  Yes, it can be done but everything is going to suffer.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve eaten frozen pizza for dinner because I have forgotten to take meat out for dinner or I just don’t have it in me to cook an elaborate meal.  I veg on the couch while Joel plays after we’ve put her to bed and my marriage takes a toll because we end up in our own little worlds too often.  Communication suffers.  Sleep suffers.  You name it, it suffers.   

So, we’ve decided that this is the best route for our family at this point in time.  I am scared of the sacrifices, the tight times, if I’ll be happy at home.  I’m a little sad to see the work part of me come to a close indefinitely.  I don’t think people have been able to understand just how much of me I’m closing the door on and just how emotional it has been.  But as I work out the remaining days of the month, I look forward to the days at home with Ruthie being able to see her start to crawl, walk, talk, etc. Days when I don’t have to wake her up because of a schedule.  Days that I can have dinner in process and start a weekly routine.  Walking, pools, playtime, cleaning, cooking all await me.  I’m so blessed to have a husband who sees the need for me to be at home and supports me in my desire.  Who is willing to work harder in order to make the ends meet.  I can appreciate the other mamas out there that have to do it and have no choice.  I can, because I’ve experienced it firsthand.

So though I may be closing the door on “work me” I am opening the door on “mommy me”.  I’m excited.  Transition and change  I don’t do well, but bring it on.  I’m ready.

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